By Ni Komang Ariani
He would only give me a week to think about it. His words for this week long felt so sweet and clear. It meant those were coming from a pure hearted person. Like him, which for me, he was a man without any flaw at all. He talked about a decision he was forced to take. He talked about one troubled young woman. She is pregnant by raped, with a thug father who is in the prison.
With face full of tears, he told the story. It caused me fall deeper into his charms. I thought I’d been married to an angel. He held my hands and wiped tears on my cheeks. I was drowned deeper into mixed feelings. I wanted him more than before.
I should do that because it’s our duty as human being. We cannot leave her without any help like that. I’m really sad that I have to do this. This will be hard for you since you will no longer be the only one. My mouth was locked. I really wanted to be the hero that willingly sacrificed self like him. It was something that made him looked more gallant and dashing. Made me want brought him inside my arms. Made me wanting him only for me more. Only mine.
But he said, I cannot be selfish. I cannot consider about my feeling only. That I should help others. Like him. Are we the same person?
How to share your husband with other woman? If there is someone has found the way, I’m willingly to go there and learn.
I’d been telling my self to be patience, surrendered my self and be a gentle person. But I’d never known how to do it. I’d been keeping to my self the agony in form of peculiar dreams for a week.
It’d been a week since I started to dream about seeing a giant octopus that was waiting at our doorframe. The octopus let out its tentacle. It showed up at our windows. In some other times, the octopus wagged its tentacle until it formed knocking sound on the window. As time goes by the knocking became more frequent. At any time, the octopus was able to destroy the door and take over our house. It was such a strange dream but I never told it to anyone. Once I ever tried to tell things like this to some of my friend and they said I’m a crybaby, selfish, spoiled, and many more.
Think about it first. I will not force you. Think about it tonight. I will wait for your decision tomorrow morning. We don’t have much time. Probably it will be late if we do it the day after tomorrow.
Who am I to take such a difficult decision? If I said no, I could imagine how many pairs of eyes judge me as a woman without sympathy.
If I said yes, those giant tentacles would break the window glasses in our house, came inside and took a sit on the sofa in front of the TV, the place I used to sit on.
I couldn’t understand people who made this kind decision so easily. They looked so elegant with their sweet smile and serene. Why couldn’t I follow after them at all?
I imagined that young woman inside my head; her innocence rosy face; her pure smile which able to shoot up someone’s pity. Would I able to see that young woman entering the same room with him? My man. The same pain. It keeps repeating since I know about it. It seems like every pieces of happiness always paired with pain. They are eternally inseparable friend.
My mind kept running on circle. It seemed like there was no edge about this thing. Time ticked to twelve in the night. It made me jolted. Dawn would come any sooner that I thought and I hadn’t make any decision.
And I pictured another agony. He would leave me in order to fulfill his promise to that young woman for his bigger desire on sacrifice. He heard too much heroic stories. If things turned out like this, I could only cry over his leave. Missing his skin smell each night come.
I came into dead end.
I turned on my computer in thought to gain some inspiration like before for my writing. I typed that young woman name. I searched for her pictures in the internet. I adored her fine face with long shining hair. That woman was so beautiful. No wonder men were bewitched by her. I could only see happiness from her face. A woman who was in her blooming period and showing her beauty. She suited to be my nephew because she was so young and innocent.
I would be a sinner if I didn’t accept her as our life partner. That woman could be my sister, like in those elegant women’s story that able to share their husband. That innocent face wouldn’t cause harm. We could be a great family.
I’d been sure to accept her into family but then I saw a picture that caused me breathless. That young woman hugged him warmly. The young woman’s face was full of happiness. She smiled a smile that brighter that sun. Similar pictures showed up and filled my computer desktop in front of me. The last picture was both of them kiss. I felt my stomach turned upside down.
I closed my eyes on the passing times. Breathed on the air passing in front of me. Remembered those years I spent with him. Remembered each sentence that he ever said to me. One by one was opened up in front of me. Remember the same pain. The happiness that always comes in pair with pain. Sometimes it indeed felt strange but however I never think of it.
At our first meet, fifteen years ago, he always said you are the sun in my life. At the other time, he also said without you my life would only be some twilight.
After that I never asked or wondered about him. I believed that he was a man without flaw.
And at some night he never came home with strange reason. I was never suspicious of him. I should have asked him and looked into his eyes. Where did you go? Are you with the other woman?
Rooster’s first cockcrow in the morning drew me back to reality. I’d repeated my whole life for fifteen-year last night. I put clothes on the baggage without any words. Chose important things that I have. I took a look at him who was still in his sleep soundly. His face displayed a thin smile. I didn’t want him any more.
I should have given him a condition when he came to me with his fake story. Have you find her a young man who is also suffered from the departure of his wife? A young man with tough muscle and a sweet smile like sugar. You asked me to save and bring her to our house.
Right after the night fold turned into day, I was standing in front of house, waiting for motorcycle taxi driver that I’d ordered. Some words came into my mind, a friend’s word; to be on guard when you are living with someone that you thought have no flaw at all. Because it can be meant two things: he isn’t a human or you never know anything about him at all.